My Partner Has A Gambling Problem

1. My Partner Has A Gambling Problem At A
2. My Partner Has A Gambling Problem Involving
3. How Do I Know If My Partner Has A Gambling Problem

Finally, tell your partner to get support from a gambling awareness charity such as Gamcare. They also offer confidential support and advice for family and friends of those with gambling problems. You can contact them online or by phone on 0808 8020 133 every day 8am to midnight. Ask Ammanda: Why do I prefer my own company? I'm worried my partner has a gambling problem; Are you in a co-dependent relationship? My partner is taking me for granted; Is your relationship stuck in a rut? Ask Ammanda: I’m stuck in an unhappy, emotionally barren marriage; Ask Ammanda: My wife doesn't love me anymore; Ask Ammanda: I'm having. If you have a family member or a friend with a gambling problem – and you ignore it – you're making a risky bet. Particularly if that person is heavily involved in your life, since his or her. How Do I Deal with My Parent’s Gambling Addiction? Posted On August 21, 2013. With so many people in New York State becoming addicted to gambling, many more family members and friends are forced to understand gambling addiction and its consequences, as well as how they should deal with the impact a parent’s gambling addiction has on their own lives. His problem was internet gambling.-Oh Annette - I feel for you. I just found out my husband (who had a bad gambling problem many years ago, before we had met) has started gambling again - online, sports betting. He's gambled away over $2000 of our money and has been hiding it from me.

We ask Rachel Connor from debt advice charity StepChange, as part of Talk Money Week, to answer the following question. Join in the conversation on Twitter and tell us what you would advise.

Question

I’m worried about my husband and I think he may be hiding something from me. He seems to be getting more and more scary looking letters through the door, and they disappear quickly so I can’t see what they are.

When I ask him about them, he gets defensive and says they’re just junk mail. He goes out every evening pretty much, and most of the weekends too and my friend said she keeps seeing him at the local bookies.

When he’s in, he locks himself away in the spare room. He’s always been a bit of a gambler, but it's never been a problem before.

We’ve never been short of money in the past, but things keep going missing. Cash has disappeared from my purse and now my gold bracelet which my mother gave to me has gone.

I’ve searched the house top to bottom for it. I just don’t think I could ask if he’s stealing from me. Has he got us into trouble with money? Will he be truthful?

I have no idea what to do.

Anon, UK

Answer

Dear Anon,

I’m really sorry to hear about the stressful situation you’ve been dealing with. From what you’ve described, there’s a chance your husband may be dealing with a gambling addiction.

This can not only be difficult for him, but also for you, his partner. You clearly want to help him, but may be unsure how to support him in his recovery.

My Partner Has A Gambling Problem At A

Gambling is a powerful addiction, so it’s important that you understand what your partner’s dealing with, and actions you can take/

According to the relationship counselling charity Relate, there are several danger signs of a gambling problem to look out for. Some of them seem to match up with what you’ve been witnessing lately. They include:

• Spending a lot of time away from the house and being vague or secretive about it. Some gamblers get up early in the morning to gamble while their partner or family are asleep.
• Becoming defensive whenever money is discussed.
• Hiding bank statements.
• Unexplained payments coming out of your bank account(s).
• Emotional highs and lows.

Even though your partner is the one facing the problem, how you feel is important, too.

Talk to someone

You’ve already mentioned that a friend’s noticed your husband’s behaviour. Do you trust this friend? Can you talk to them in confidence about how you’re feeling, or do you have anyone else you can talk to?

Having someone to share your feelings with can really help your own mental wellbeing.

Your GP can refer you and your partner to local support groups that specialise in gambling recovery. You could also encourage your partner to talk in confidence with their HR department or trade union about what they’re going through.

Is there any way to help your partner avoid the temptation to gamble? According to the Gambling Commission, there are over 8,500 betting shops in the UK. As a result, your partner may have to fight an impulse to gamble every time they walk along the local high street.

Have a think about the different gambling ‘triggers’ that may arise for them. For example:

• Can they take an alternative route to the shops, or to work?
• Are they pressured into gambling by friends or colleagues (during lunch breaks, on nights out etc.)?
• Are there any apps on their phone that encourage gambling?

Get support

Finally, tell your partner to get support from a gambling awareness charity such as Gamcare. They also offer confidential support and advice for family and friends of those with gambling problems.

You can contact them online or by phone on 0808 8020 133 every day 8am to midnight.

Your partner can even talk in confidence at local meetings held by Gamblers Anonymous. Sharing their problem with others who are seeking help with gambling can make them feel less alone.

Recovering from a gambling addition could take its toll, mentally and emotionally. Seek support for your mental wellbeing from charities such as Mind and Time to Talk.

If you have a mental health assistance scheme through your employer, then please take advantage of it. By giving yourself the support you need, you’ll be in a much better position to help your partner through recovery.

If your partner’s in debt due to gambling, we recommend that they get expert gambling advice as well as free and confidential debt advice.

If they don’t seek help with their addiction, there’s a high chance they may fall back into gambling, which could make their debt problem worse.

Citizens Advice has recently joined forces with GambleAware to offer support to gamblers who are also dealing with a debt problem. At StepChange Debt Charity we also offer free and confidential debt advice over the telephone and online.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to gambling problems, and different approaches work for different people. However, help is available and neither of you have to face the problem alone.

I’m not sure how I should be feeling about the things said between me and my husband. I swing between feeling confused, enraged, ambivalent, distressed, sad, angry, frustrated, upset, embarrassed and depressed. We are both near retirement age, have been married for fourteen years – estranged for about ten. I’m worn out. I don’t know whether I love him anymore or whether he loves me. He claims he does, but then talks to me with contempt and I feel confused. I care about him, but I am confused as to why we are still together. I think he feels more or less the same as I do. One minute I feel, with absolute certainty, that my desire to divorce him is the right one, but when I catch sight of the man I used to love, I cling to this glimmer of hope. I have lived with this hope for most of our marriage.

My husband is not a bad person. Mostly, my angst is caused by his inability to relate to me, to empathise, to listen, to see me, to understand me, to know me – these are the things I hope for. I want him to be ‘present’ and share his world with mine. It’s as if I’m leading an invisible, parallel life – a life he refuses to see. I think I’ve been going through a crisis of confidence for about a year or maybe four. I’ve been feeling pretty low and abandoned by him. I’ve consciously refused to accompany him at times, because I can’t bear the hypocrisy of pretending anymore – I don’t feel like I’m living an authentic life.

Following a recent row, he revealed that he sees me as someone who is judgmental of others, that I take unwarranted umbrage to all and sundry, that I am self-sabotaging my relationships with people and now with him - that if only I would stop being like this, then we would be happy.

Over the years, I have examined myself and in particular, whether his view of me is accurate. While I have come home and moaned to him on occasion (as most people do), he has blown up these few instances disproportionately and I feel judged. I feel humiliated by him. I don’t recognise myself as the person he is describing. I don’t feel he supports me emotionally, in fact, I think it makes him very uncomfortable. I am emotionally supportive of him or at least, I was, but he doesn’t share enough of his life, thoughts and feelings for me to feel connected to him anymore. He wants me to change. I feel he wants to whitewash me with a big paintbrush and blank out the complexity and richness of sharing emotions, thoughts, desires, hopes, fears and dreams. I feel devastated frankly. We have been to couples counselling a few times and I’ve also been on my own. We both want the other to change, but it seems neither of us can meet the other’s criteria for having a relationship.

I’m sorry for the long email. I’m sure you get lots like this.

Ammanda says…

Yes, I receive many emails just like yours. All of them mirror much of the pain you’re describing for you and your husband. From what you say, it looks like you’ve both reached such an impasse that neither of you has the energy or even the inclination to see what could be different between you. Instead, you’re both looking at the other and hoping that something will happen to change the truly miserable experience that appears to be your marriage. Like lots of people, you know what the problem is and have ideas about the solution – but actually making the changes needed is the tricky bit. However, the short answer is, you have to stop waiting for the other one to make the first move.

I think that you’re seeking a soulmate, for want of a better description, someone who will just know who you are, what you need and basically supply it. I think, too, that he’s looking for the same thing, albeit through a slightly different lens. That’s not surprising. Most of us want to feel supported, loved, cared for and important to our other half, but we usually need to experience it in a way that we can recognise. Clearly, that’s not happening here. As a result, the means of communication you’ve both adopted is one of blame, counter-blame and humiliation.

There’s a sense, too, that your husband is saying that it’s you that needs to change and has conveniently listed your apparent failings. Well, I have news for your husband. Although you may indeed be critical sometimes or moan about the people at work (I’ve no idea whether this is the case or not), like any other human being, you also crave love, affection and sharing. It looks to me as if what’s being said here is that you need to sort yourself out before any of the good stuff can come your way. If that is indeed his approach, then he needs to accept that this approach rarely works. He is effectively treating you like a naughty child and as an adult woman, that’s really not on. Likewise, you also have a very long list of the things you want to change in him. But you too, have to remember that he is only human and having all of what you seek from him would be a very tall order for anyone to meet. As a relationship counsellor, I see many couples who are essentially saying to each other ‘I want you to be perfect for me’. They don’t actually use those words, but that’s what they mean. Waiting for a partner to become perfect usually entails quite some time and I think you and your husband are now essentially waiting for the other to make the first move. That’s the first thing that needs to change.

The bottom line here is that I suspect neither of you can completely meet each other’s needs, so some compromise is required. Of course, the thing about compromise is that it can’t all fall to just one person. That means that you each need to step forward and meet each other half way – even a tenth of the way would be a start. So, how do you do this?

My Partner Has A Gambling Problem Involving

The first thing to do is to recognise that this is about both of you. You’re each occupying your own corner at the moment and somehow you have to find a way to start sitting together. The second thing to do is re-engage with couple counselling. I know you’ve tried this route before, seemingly without a good outcome. I’ve no idea why this might have been, but I would strongly recommend that you try again. It’s certainly true that sometimes people have to find the right counsellor at the right time. Maybe it’s your time now. For me, one of the most striking features of your letter is the underlying hope, despite everything, that you could have a future together. Perhaps you’re both yearning to see through all the bitterness, disappointment and sadness and find the person you married. It’s not for me to say whether either of those two people are still around. Maybe you’ve both changed and it really is the end of the road for your marriage. But I’d say this. If it’s going to work, you may both have to be more realistic and generally kinder to each other – probably in that order. I’m wondering if what’s keeping you so stuck is that now, you’ve reached the point where you now assume exactly what the other is going say and therefore stopped listening. Couple counselling can be very helpful in getting new dialogues going. It can also help with ending relationships with the least trauma and maybe this would actually be the best route. So get some more professional help, but make sure the person you see is actually trained in couple work.

How Do I Know If My Partner Has A Gambling Problem

Finally, you tell me your marriage is ‘barren’. That phrase always suggests to me that there’s a complete indifference about the other person. But actually, if you think about it, all the mass of painful feelings, raised hopes and dashed expectations you describe suggests that you may each remain heavily invested in this relationship and the prospect of full-time retirement may be putting an even sharper focus on what’s missing. It’s often a time in our lives when we take stock and ask the rather daunting question ‘is this really it for the rest of my life’. So, whatever happens for you, make sure you move in one direction or another. We’re all living longer, but being profoundly unhappy can make it seem like an eternity.

Ammanda Major is a Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist and Head of Clinical Practice at Relate.

If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with, please send it to askammanda@relate.org.uk* All communications will maintain anonymity and confidentiality.

*Ammanda is not able to reply individually to every email we receive, so please see our relationship help pages for further support.